Well here I am. I decided yesterday that I am going to grow new… - Excavating by Moonlight
Mar. 29th, 2004
Well here I am.
I decided yesterday that I am going to grow new parts of me this year. The daffodils have just started poking up. It's the perfect time.
Really though, I am just horribly confused. I am an artist that doesn't create (right now that is) I am an insurance agent. Bleh! I am incognito.
I decided to start journaling on my new computer. Here are my thoughts for the past week.
Dave told me, you have to slow down and quit making goals for yourself that you can enjoy your life now. You’ll never have this again.
I have a driving need. I sense that I have a lot to do. “Ah yes,” she says, “Destiny”. (Kathy Jones)
I’m afraid. I’m lonely.
There is only Love. Anything done out of fear is insane for is it is the absence of Love. I live everyday out of place of Love as the universe meant for me.
Follow your heart. You have to set aside your fear and give everything up to the Goddess. Dedicate everything to her and you will find all in her. (Kathy Jones)
Getting to know Brigit, I made the vow this year to not only be the ears and eyes of the Goddess but also her hands and feet. I asked her to show me how to walk her path and make changes in the real world. I am the hands and feet of the Goddess. I am a light.
Thy word is lamp unto my feet and light unto my path.
She is the path of the labyrinth. Life is the labyrinth itself. Money is the mist-filled guide lines. It gives us the access to the resources needed to control our life experiences.
Starting in September, I adopted the idea that I was in the process of initiation, a delving into the darkness to become something different at the end. The process has been to come out at the top of the Cabala tree only to find myself not at Keter, but at a new tree, all the way at the bottom at Malkuth looking up at impossible heights.
I finished the whirlwind struggle of college at the top of my class. I found the perfect job and fearless strode into the woods and the unknown. I have found that total approval from you friends, your parents, your teacher, and your boss, gives you nothing. I have found that have nothing to prove to anyone. No one has expectations for me but me. I can disappoint no one for I am a beautiful creation of the Goddess and people love me and admire me.
“And you, who seek to know me, know that you’re seeking and yearning will avail you not, unless you know the Mystery. For if that which you seek, you find not within yourself, you will never find it without. For behold, I have been with you from the beginning, and I am that which is attained at the end of desire.”
Julia Butterfly Hill talks about how a caterpillar must leave its comfortable life spin a cocoon around itself and turn to goo, alone in the darkness in order to become something greater, known only by instinct and faith.
Whether one is on a path of mystery, pursuing that of which cannot be spoken, one must still work hard and think and feel and process. A path of experience without work is a merry-go-round-- happy, going, and getting absolutely nowhere.
I am in a tiny little cottage apartment, alone with a crazy black cat in a town that would not take kindly to a liberal bisexual witch. Am I punishing myself? I think not! I am but living the lesson.
I wonder if I am Dianic by nature. I desire to become a water pourer as a woman. I wish to regroup the women’s group at the Assembly. I am called to help other women. I already help others. People love me for exactly who I am. They can see my strong points.
I have everything I have ever asked for and where am I? Back at the beginning. “Go back to start, lose turn.” It’s not that bad, really. I prayed for Aaron to love me and know how that turned out. I prayed to be able to pay for school and then turn around and quit my job. Well, I got to get humbled somehow.
I don’t know how to relax and have a good time. That’s my goal for the year, what kind of goal is that anyway? Who in the world doesn’t know how to party? I have always seen partying as counter-productive and useless. Why would we want to stand around doing nothing where there is so much work to do and lessons to be learned and skills to accomplish? There is no goal. There is no pass the test of life You’ve learned it All, Congratulations. If I wish to live my life as an eternal dance I need to let go and quit worrying about everything. What if it is the case that the person who has the most fun, the most joy wins? It’s not about winning. However I live my life is how God wished me to live. God wills me to do what I will. I can do no wrong. Every path I tread is the path I am supposed to be on. There are no incorrect choices.
Here I am artist and witch. Kathy told me the money will come if you follow your heart and listen to your dreams. Here I am artist and witch working as an insurance agent incognito. She said, “You’ll be 30 at the top of the insurance world and wake up with a hole in your soul. You will have wasted all of that time. That whole idea seems extreme to me. Yet, I’m bored shitless!!!
I just watched the movie Freida. I think I have forgotten why I wanted to be a painter. I have forgotten how to be a painter. I sit here, a pit in my throat, my eyes aching, yet I cannot cry. Where is my passion? It is a beautiful day, and I am alone, here in my cottage, without art. Why do I long to be a painter? What have I lost? I refuse to believe that the teachers and the classes have taken it away from me. Am I really so wounded? What do I have to tell the world?
Lately I have been angry at my parents for not paying attention to me as a teenager. In an effort, (to make life easier) to please them, I hid carnal and primal desires and feelings. I turned to books as my access to those basal notions. They will always be proud of me and I hope it is not only in comparison to Katie. I drew small little drawings of sexy women. Is that what I wanted to feel like? I caged exotic beauty? Or is it that I want a women to lust for me to the point of distraction?
Why was I angry at Dave this past year? Did he remind me of Aaron and make me feel powerless? In order to keep my environment as I willed, he took my time and resources cleaning up after him and making sure that he was conceinence of his own body. I couldn’t bare to see a person I cared so much about, be abused, even if by his own actions. He was desecrating the temple of my love. Yet it seemed although I devoted so much to help him, he did not devote the same singular devotion to me. He would go out on his own, party on his own, fuck on his own, and I, exhausted by taking care of him as well as myself, was cold and alone, a silent, enduring, small, woman, existing to make his life easier, if he so chose to take me up on it. I strove for praise as a child does. I was doing a fabulous job and yet felt no joy for I was alone, inferior in size, personality, and salary. I shared all of my resources and more while he enjoyed life and played with his resources. He told me, “do what you want with your money,” and I did, by sharing comforts with him. He entertained himself on his, making efforts unrecognized.
All of these choices I made for myself. I saw him as independent, hansome, virile, and outgoing. I wanted that strength. He exists as carefree to a fault, oblivious and completely blissful in his ignorance. I live all that I do with a sense of responsibility and forethought. He does not care. He does not care to take the energy, responsibility, and the trouble to give of himself for another’s benefit. He missed Yule. He missed my 21st birthday. He fucked his ex girlfriend while I was always with my parents. He did not call even when dinner sat getting cold and inedible on the table for him. He did not consider our dwelling a temple that he could purify for me as well as himself. He considered it a chore. An unwanted responsibility. He wanted to throw up his hands of the responsibility of the hedgehog even, a poor little creature that would have been miserable with me since she doesn’t like me.
He has never volunteered to tell me how he feels about me in terms not involving sex. (tears fall). In fact, he says he misses me so much and then speaks of sex acts as his first course of action when he next sees me. I speak of romantic dinners and he scoffs.
Why do I go back? Why is my heart always so wounded? Why do I expect so much? I am very demanding, but I give it all back. A person who does have a sense of destiny like me would never have time to give to me, not that Dave has either. I must give up this pain. Why do I hurt so? I guess the movie hit home. Everything hits home lately. I am looking for the connections. Syncronicity.
I hurt because I need. I need support. I need help. I need bolstering. It is okay to need help from others. It is human. I am not asking too much.